Police are warning ravers attending Brighton pride to beware of giant ecstasy tablets which present a ‘significant choking hazard’.
A man called Bob from no fixed address was admitted to hospital last weekend when got one stuck under his lip.
‘I tried to swallow it but it just wouldn’t go down.’ explained Bob who asked not to be named.
Police have advised people to be suspicious of anything bigger than a jam jar lid.
I young man in his 20’s from the Brighton area who was seen queuing for Pride Tickets has reportedly claimed that he IS NOT GAY!!.
Bystanders, locals and everyone else within 100 miles were HORRIFIED when the man started totally losing his shit and punching everyone around him to prove his non-gayness.
‘He was quite cute at first’ claimed Ticket Booth operator JP but then I heard someone ask him for a ‘quicky’ and everything went BALLISTIC!!
Is this Anthony?
‘It was OK when he was ranting and raving about stamina and passion’ claimed passer by Dave, ‘but then he started interjecting stuff about angular frameworks and kept complaining about some dude called Anthony and everyone was lost’.
Nobody could find Anthony for comment.
Shop owners up and down the country were welcoming news today that the government will be doing fuck all to force them to comply to anything post brexit.
“I fucking hate them eco bulbs” said Bob Rogg, who has just cancelled his order with a new shop front from Ikea. “The only thing most people come here for is my jellied eels and cheap mince…. are you reporters?”
Bob then took a ran off towards a local mosque screaming “Allahu Akbar”
Tonights NEC meeting seemed like it was just another undercover communists meeting until Tom Watson let it slip that he wanted to “put the band back together”.
Members hit google before the meeting had even finished to try and find what band Tom had been in. Was it a Prog-Rock band? Was he a Punk? Did he sing lead or backing vocals? Was he just the bassist? or maybe even just a bit of a Bez?
Well it turned out non of the above, sources close to the local chippy claim that Toms gastric band snapped last week half way through a double fish supper, and that when he said he wanted to “put the band back together” he was actually referring to his gastric band.
We asked Tom if it was true but he just kept eating his ice cream and grunting. His friends told us they weren’t actually his friends, but that he’d been eating ice cream all summer, and that he really needs to “put the band back together”
Good luck Tom.
In a completely unexpected move the department of defence have announced that rather than replacing the warheads in the new strategic nuclear submarines, they are going to remove the headphone sockets instead.
“It’s a fast moving 007 type world these days, and we need to stay one step ahead of the game” said submarine interior designer Muhammad Smith from Tooting.
“We looked at updating the warheads but that seemed a bit predictable, and the ones we have are fucking massive anyway. The only other thing we considered changing was the toilet roll holders ’cause they sometimes snap off and if the floor is wet you’re fucked.”
But all things considered, most crew agreed that wireless headphones would be the best place to spend the 20 billion or whatever it is
“Security won’t be an issue. We’re not using bluetooth as sharks can hear that, and we’re not using wifi either as virgin have upped their prices.”
The M.O.D. refused to respond to say if iphone 7’s were involved.
Whether you’re an English teacher in Vietnam, or a quirky Scottish musician who left England, the last thing you want at the end of a hard day’s work is a pounding headache.
“Our Brains are like old Television sets” said a man from RadioRentals. “The problem is, there’s no closing down time anymore, no national anthem, no disappearing white dot, it just goes on and on and on until eventually we either explode or melt”
Jimmy McGee (has a bad headache today)
Up until now there have been no recorded cases of men giving birth, but according to a new book by the Duchess of Kent, Tony Blair actually GAVE BIRTH to that welsh bloke OWEN SMITH through a REAL VAGINA that he has growing out of his head, underneath his hair behind his left ear.
In 2014 rather than let investigators check under the hair behind his left ear for the vagina, Tony screamed “I’m not fucking Tony, I’m not going to let any fuckwit check behind my left fucking ear for a fucking vagina ok?, now get the fuck out of here” or words to that effect.
Owen Smith doesn’t have time for silly stuff. He’s a serious man, who’s going to build car parks all over the valleys. “We won’t even need to build any roads, it’ll just be wall to wall car parks all the way from Newport to Pontypridd. Even the skater kids will love it. Let me tell you this, everyone will be a winner, together, all of us.”
“It’s a good idea” said local asphalt supplier Bill Darowd. “People need to stop feeling guilty about wanting change. I don’t want to fat shame anyone, but if you’re gonna be honest with people, don’t go hiding your fucking gills”.
Owen Smith still refuses to dismiss or even acknowledge rumours he has gills on his tits. “There’s something fishy going on for sure” said local fisherwoman, Fishy McFishbaps. “I’m proud of my size and shape. I smell like fish too, but I’m happy, and I fucking love cake”