Mother Teresa has claimed the Tories under Boris Johnson are “a bunch of softies” as she outlined why she no longer wanted to be part of the party.
The Lord Almighty’s former director of communications was expelled from the earth a while back after admitting eating some fizzy cola bottles destined for kids in Afghanistan.
Speaking to a Mystic Meg lookalike on Tuesday morning, she said Boris “has got to wave his arms about more and stop pretending to be serious otherwise he will blow his cover”.
“If not, we are heading to a very dark, dangerous place, possibly the north of England with everyone swapping spice for cheaper more dangerous Gregg’s vegan sausage rolls..
Teresa, a bit of a girl in her day, said she believed Boris never finished anything off, especially women, unless that met dumping them or decking them.
She added the party had been taking over by a “bunch C*nts”, before admitting they were already a “bunch of C*nts”.
“Let’s stop pretending that this is the Conservative Party that we really believe in,” she said.
“All this compassionate conservatism crap just doesn’t wash with anyone, if you’re gonna screw people you might as well f*ck them in the face”
Teresa said that despite finding Satan funny and ‘quite hot’ she would rather eat a couple of Ferrero Rocher than talk about the subject anymore. The heavens then opened up and Mother Teresa ascended back to the lord leaving her Conservative membership in a pissy puddle she had left due to her incontinence.
Celebrity dead pools are so last year, celebrity islamic conversion pools are the future. Heres our starter list for 2019. Suggestions welcome.
Richard and Judy.
Its been a strange year 2018. After almost a decades growth of polarised hatred, bred on the echo chambers of social media something very peculiar has started to happen.
Sworn enemies are beginning to make bedfellows. Hate groups are dwindling in numbers and membership. Road rage is practically non existent and religio
us extremists are hooking up with random hedonists and clubbing into the early hours.
Sounds like fake news? Is it fuck you stupid opinionated little fuckwit. You and and every other little cunt who presume they know it all just because you get the occasional countdown conundrum or know where Bulgaria is on the map.
The problem with all this free love and tolerance is that global adrenalin production has plummeted. And as we all know, without adrenalin human beings are weak spawny useless pieces of shit. Football fans wave at each other instead of throwing bottles and coins. Rock rivals join each other on stage and even the inmates of high security prisons are swapping spice and knife fights for old spice and Zumba.
It’s not all bad though. Most people still hate themselves. If they could just start sharing that loathing that would be great.
Donald Trump has been accused of laying a man called Keith outside a Jewish chicken shop in Peckham.
Witnesses claim that Trump had misheard the word “Wreath” as “Keith” before screaming at his advisors and passers by “Get me a Keith, any fucker will do, just pretend he’s a Keith if you have to…”
Eventually a young man allegedly called Keith was brought forward only to be savagely slapped across the face with a gilted toupee.
A young Asian intern who was washing plastic spoons at the shop claimed Keith landed right outside their door with a “tremendous thud” and that it was “sad”. Police sources claim it is the first case of chicklaphobia to hit Peckham since the dark ages.
Donald Trump has declined to give a fuck. The chicken died.
Police are warning ravers attending Brighton pride to beware of giant ecstasy tablets which present a ‘significant choking hazard’.
A man called Bob from no fixed address was admitted to hospital last weekend when got one stuck under his lip.
‘I tried to swallow it but it just wouldn’t go down.’ explained Bob who asked not to be named.
Police have advised people to be suspicious of anything bigger than a jam jar lid.
I young man in his 20’s from the Brighton area who was seen queuing for Pride Tickets has reportedly claimed that he IS NOT GAY!!.
Bystanders, locals and everyone else within 100 miles were HORRIFIED when the man started totally losing his shit and punching everyone around him to prove his non-gayness.
‘He was quite cute at first’ claimed Ticket Booth operator JP but then I heard someone ask him for a ‘quicky’ and everything went BALLISTIC!!
Is this Anthony?
‘It was OK when he was ranting and raving about stamina and passion’ claimed passer by Dave, ‘but then he started interjecting stuff about angular frameworks and kept complaining about some dude called Anthony and everyone was lost’.
Nobody could find Anthony for comment.
Shop owners up and down the country were welcoming news today that the government will be doing fuck all to force them to comply to anything post brexit.
“I fucking hate them eco bulbs” said Bob Rogg, who has just cancelled his order with a new shop front from Ikea. “The only thing most people come here for is my jellied eels and cheap mince…. are you reporters?”
Bob then took a ran off towards a local mosque screaming “Allahu Akbar”
Tonights NEC meeting seemed like it was just another undercover communists meeting until Tom Watson let it slip that he wanted to “put the band back together”.
Members hit google before the meeting had even finished to try and find what band Tom had been in. Was it a Prog-Rock band? Was he a Punk? Did he sing lead or backing vocals? Was he just the bassist? or maybe even just a bit of a Bez?
Well it turned out non of the above, sources close to the local chippy claim that Toms gastric band snapped last week half way through a double fish supper, and that when he said he wanted to “put the band back together” he was actually referring to his gastric band.
We asked Tom if it was true but he just kept eating his ice cream and grunting. His friends told us they weren’t actually his friends, but that he’d been eating ice cream all summer, and that he really needs to “put the band back together”
Good luck Tom.
In a completely unexpected move the department of defence have announced that rather than replacing the warheads in the new strategic nuclear submarines, they are going to remove the headphone sockets instead.
“It’s a fast moving 007 type world these days, and we need to stay one step ahead of the game” said submarine interior designer Muhammad Smith from Tooting.
“We looked at updating the warheads but that seemed a bit predictable, and the ones we have are fucking massive anyway. The only other thing we considered changing was the toilet roll holders ’cause they sometimes snap off and if the floor is wet you’re fucked.”
But all things considered, most crew agreed that wireless headphones would be the best place to spend the 20 billion or whatever it is
“Security won’t be an issue. We’re not using bluetooth as sharks can hear that, and we’re not using wifi either as virgin have upped their prices.”
The M.O.D. refused to respond to say if iphone 7’s were involved.
Whether you’re an English teacher in Vietnam, or a quirky Scottish musician who left England, the last thing you want at the end of a hard day’s work is a pounding headache.
“Our Brains are like old Television sets” said a man from RadioRentals. “The problem is, there’s no closing down time anymore, no national anthem, no disappearing white dot, it just goes on and on and on until eventually we either explode or melt”
Jimmy McGee (has a bad headache today)