Donald Trump has been accused of laying a man called Keith outside a Jewish chicken shop in Peckham.
Witnesses claim that Trump had misheard the word “Wreath” as “Keith” before screaming at his advisors and passers by “Get me a Keith, any fucker will do, just pretend he’s a Keith if you have to…”
Eventually a young man allegedly called Keith was brought forward only to be savagely slapped across the face with a gilted toupee.
A young Asian intern who was washing plastic spoons at the shop claimed Keith landed right outside their door with a “tremendous thud” and that it was “sad”. Police sources claim it is the first case of chicklaphobia to hit Peckham since the dark ages.
Donald Trump has declined to give a fuck. The chicken died.
Police are warning ravers attending Brighton pride to beware of giant ecstasy tablets which present a ‘significant choking hazard’.
A man called Bob from no fixed address was admitted to hos
pital last weekend when got one stuck under his lip.
‘I tried to swallow it but it just wouldn’t go down.’ explained Bob who asked not to be named.
Police have advised people to be suspicious of anything bigger than a jam jar lid.
I young man in his 20’s from the Brighton area who was seen queuing for Pride Tickets has reportedly claimed that he IS NOT GAY!!.
Bystanders, locals and everyone else within 100 miles were HORRIFIED when the man started totally losing his shit and punching everyone around him to prove his non-gayness.
‘He was quite cute at first’ claimed Ticket Booth operator JP but then I heard someone ask him for a ‘quicky’ and everything went BALLISTIC!!
Is this Anthony?
‘It was OK when he was ranting and raving about stamina and passion’ claimed passer by Dave, ‘but then he started interjecting
stuff about angular frameworks and kept complaining about some dude called Anthony and everyone was lost’.
Nobody could find Anthony for comment.