old shops to get a makeover in brexit “shake up”

Shop owners up and down the country were welcoming news today that the government will be doing fuck all to force them to comply to anything post brexit.

“I fucking hate them eco bulbs” said Bob Rogg, who has just cancelled his order with a new shop front from Ikea.  “The only thing most people come here for is my jellied eels and cheap mince…. are you reporters?”

Bob then took a ran off towards a local mosque screaming “Allahu Akbar”

brexit shop

Tom Watson to put “what” band back together?

Tonights NEC meeting seemed like it was just another undercover communists meeting until Tom Watson let it slip that he wanted to “put the band back together”.

Members hit google before the meeting had even finished to try and find what band Tom had been in. Was it a Prog-Rock band? Was he a Punk? Did he sing lead or backing vocals? Was he just the bassist? or maybe even just a bit o

f a Bez?

Well it turned out non of the above, sources close to the local chippy claim that Toms gastric band snapped last week half way through a double fish supper, and that when he said he wanted to “put the band back together” he was actually referring to his gastric band.

tom watson

We asked Tom if it was true but he just kept eating his ice cream and grunting. His friends told us they weren’t actually his friends, but that he’d been eating ice cream all summer, and that he really needs to “put the band back together”

Good luck Tom.

Trident nuclear submarines to ditch headphone socket.

In a completely unexpected move the department of defence have announced that rather than replacing the warheads in the new strategic nuclear submarines, they are going to remove the headphone sockets instead.

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“It’s a fast moving 007 type world these days, and we need to stay one step ahead of the game” said submarine interior designer Muhammad Smith from Tooting.

“We looked at updating the warheads but that seemed a bit predictable, and the ones we have are fucking massive anyway. The only other thing we considered changing was the toilet roll holders ’cause they sometimes snap off and if the floor is wet you’re fucked.”

But all things considered, most crew agreed that wireless headphones would be the best place to spend the 20 billion or whatever it is

“Security won’t be an issue. We’re not using bluetooth as sharks can hear that, and we’re not using wifi either as virgin have upped their prices.”

The M.O.D. refused to respond to say if iphone 7’s were involved.