Mother Teresa Does Not Want To Be A Conservative Party Member

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Mother Teresa has claimed the Tories under Boris Johnson are “a bunch of softies” as she outlined why she no longer wanted to be part of the party.

The Lord Almighty’s former director of communications was expelled from the earth a while back after admitting eating some fizzy cola bottles destined for kids in Afghanistan.

Speaking to a Mystic Meg lookalike on Tuesday morning, she said Boris “has got to wave his arms about more and stop pretending to be serious otherwise he will blow his cover”.

“If not, we are heading to a very dark, dangerous place, possibly the north of England with everyone swapping spice for cheaper more dangerous Gregg’s vegan sausage rolls..

Teresa, a bit of a girl in her day, said she believed Boris never finished anything off, especially women, unless that met dumping them or decking them.

She added the party had been taking over by a “bunch C*nts”, before admitting they were already a “bunch of  C*nts”.

“Let’s stop pretending that this is the Conservative Party that we really believe in,” she said.

“All this compassionate conservatism crap just doesn’t wash with anyone, if you’re gonna screw people you might as well f*ck them in the face”

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Teresa said that despite finding Satan funny and ‘quite hot’ she would rather eat a couple of Ferrero Rocher than talk about the subject anymore. The heavens then opened up and Mother Teresa ascended back to the lord leaving her Conservative membership in a pissy puddle she had left due to her incontinence.

Where is the hate?

Its been a strange year 2018. After almost a decades growth of polarised hatred, bred on the echo chambers of social media something very peculiar has started to happen.

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Sworn enemies are beginning to make bedfellows. Hate groups are dwindling in numbers and membership. Road rage is practically non existent and religio

us extremists are hooking up with random hedonists and clubbing into the early hours.

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Sounds like fake news? Is it fuck you stupid opinionated little fuckwit. You and and every other little cunt who presume they know it all just because you get the occasional countdown conundrum or know where Bulgaria is on the map.

The problem with all this free love and tolerance is that global adrenalin production has plummeted. And as we all know, without adrenalin human beings are weak spawny useless pieces of shit. Football fans wave at each other instead of throwing bottles and coins. Rock rivals join each other on stage and even the inmates of high security prisons are swapping spice and knife fights for old spice and Zumba.

 Alex Higgins took no shit

It’s not all bad though. Most people still hate themselves. If they could just start sharing that loathing that would be great.

Pricks.

 

 

Donald Trump caught laying Keith outside Jewish fried chicken shop.

Donald Trump has been accused of laying a man called Keith outside a Jewish chicken shop in Peckham.

Trump Chicken

Witnesses claim that Trump had misheard the word “Wreath” as “Keith” before screaming at his advisors and passers by “Get me a Keith, any fucker will do, just pretend he’s a Keith if you have to…”

Eventually a young man allegedly called Keith was brought forward only to be savagely slapped across the face with a gilted toupee.

Jewish Chicken Shop

A young Asian intern who was washing plastic spoons at the shop claimed Keith landed right outside their door with a “tremendous thud” and that it was “sad”. Police sources claim it is the first case of chicklaphobia to hit Peckham since the dark ages.

Donald Trump has declined to give a fuck. The chicken died.

 

 

Deadly giant ecstasy tablets flood Brighton for pride weekend.

Police are warning ravers attending Brighton pride to beware of giant ecstasy tablets which present a ‘significant choking hazard’.

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A man called Bob from no fixed address was admitted to hospital last weekend when got one stuck under his lip.

‘I tried to swallow it but it just wouldn’t go down.’ explained Bob who asked not to be named.

Police have advised people to be suspicious of anything bigger than a jam jar lid.

 

more follows…

Man going to pride claims ‘I’m not GAY!!’

I young man in his 20’s from the Brighton area who was seen queuing for Pride Tickets has reportedly claimed that he IS NOT GAY!!.

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Bystanders, locals and everyone else within 100 miles were HORRIFIED when the man started totally losing his shit and punching everyone around him to prove his non-gayness.

‘He was quite cute at first’ claimed Ticket Booth operator JP but then I heard someone ask him for a ‘quicky’ and everything went BALLISTIC!!

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Is this Anthony?

‘It was OK when he was ranting and raving about stamina and passion’ claimed passer by Dave, ‘but then he started interjecting stuff about angular frameworks and kept complaining about some dude called Anthony and everyone was lost’.

Nobody could find Anthony for comment.

 

 

Theresa May to change her name to Theresa Will

Theresa May is about to change her name to Theresa Will following revelations that europeans are convinced that she may not actually do anything. “All we keep hearing is Theresa May this, and Theresa May that” said one senior diplomat who seemed really annoyed at her reluctance to commit.  “It’s not good enough, there is no time for indecision anymore and if she doesn’t make up her mind soon then she can fuck off and start a band with that other twat Bryan May.”

Theresa May

It’s not the first time a female prime minister has had a counter productive name however, Margaret Thatcher was called all sorts of things before history settled with Margaret.

“She needs to do a Gary Glitter and just get on with it” said a cleaner for a professional baby naming company in London.  “Something strong and assertive, yet humble and honest would be best, Bitchcunt Pissface would be nice, though it’s a bit difficult to spell” she added whilst scrubbing skids of the side of the toilet bowl for £7 per hour.

Theresa May not be available for comment said No 10.