Donald Trump caught laying Keith outside Jewish fried chicken shop.

Donald Trump has been accused of laying a man called Keith outside a Jewish chicken shop in Peckham.

Trump Chicken

Witnesses claim that Trump had misheard the word “Wreath” as “Keith” before screaming at his advisors and passers by “Get me a Keith, any fucker will do, just pretend he’s a Keith if you have to…”

Eventually a young man allegedly called Keith was brought forward only to be savagely slapped across the face with a gilted toupee.

Jewish Chicken Shop

A young Asian intern who was washing plastic spoons at the shop claimed Keith landed right outside their door with a “tremendous thud” and that it was “sad”. Police sources claim it is the first case of chicklaphobia to hit Peckham since the dark ages.

Donald Trump has declined to give a fuck. The chicken died.

 

 

Deadly giant ecstasy tablets flood Brighton for pride weekend.

Police are warning ravers attending Brighton pride to beware of giant ecstasy tablets which present a ‘significant choking hazard’.

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A man called Bob from no fixed address was admitted to hos

pital last weekend when got one stuck under his lip.

‘I tried to swallow it but it just wouldn’t go down.’ explained Bob who asked not to be named.

Police have advised people to be suspicious of anything bigger than a jam jar lid.

 

more follows…

Man going to pride claims ‘I’m not GAY!!’

I young man in his 20’s from the Brighton area who was seen queuing for Pride Tickets has reportedly claimed that he IS NOT GAY!!.

Image result for queue of people argument

Bystanders, locals and everyone else within 100 miles were HORRIFIED when the man started totally losing his shit and punching everyone around him to prove his non-gayness.

‘He was quite cute at first’ claimed Ticket Booth operator JP but then I heard someone ask him for a ‘quicky’ and everything went BALLISTIC!!

Image result for nerd

Is this Anthony?

‘It was OK when he was ranting and raving about stamina and passion’ claimed passer by Dave, ‘but then he started interjecting

stuff about angular frameworks and kept complaining about some dude called Anthony and everyone was lost’.

Nobody could find Anthony for comment.

 

 

Theresa May to change her name to Theresa Will

Theresa May is about to change her name to Theresa Will following revelations that europeans are convinced that she may not actually do anything. “All we keep hearing is Theresa May this, and Theresa May that” said one senior diplomat who seemed really annoyed at her reluctance to commit.  “It’s not good enough, there is no time for indecision anymore and if she doesn’t make up her mind soon then she can fuck off and start a band with that other twat Bryan May.”

Theresa May

It’s not the first time a female prime minister has had a counter productive name however, Margaret Thatcher was called all sorts of things before history settled with Margaret.

“She needs to do a Gary Glitter and just get on with it” said a cleaner for a professional baby naming company in London.  “Something strong and assertive, yet humble and honest would be best, Bitchcunt Pissface would be nice, though it’s a bit difficult to spell” she added whilst scrubbing skids of the side of the toilet bowl for £7 per hour.

Theresa May not be available for comment said No 10.

troll me baby one more time

the funny thing about internet trolling is that it is funny. in a recent poll, 9 out of 10 cats said they loved trolling. or maybe that was prowling. there are however people who have gone to jail for trolling the wrong person.

troll me

who is the wrong person?

a very good question. jason ‘jay’ jage (below) got totally screwed over when he trolled colorado-based timothy bussey’s google maps profile. all he did was troll the fuck out of him.

jason

$50,000 he had to pay, plus expenses. so ask yourself, what is the point? who is the guy in black and white, and why aren’t you doing something useful with your life instead.

>>brighton babylon<<

remember. no trolling.

britney had her fair share too you know.

poor britney

in fact britney has more trolls than there are chinese people in china. think about that for a moment.

muzzbots

they’re here

muzzbots

undercover muslim robots are now everywhere. they have taken over like in that movie invasion of the body snatchers. have a good look at your friends and family. if their eyes are glowing red and you can hear mechanical sounds as they move you need to kill them or get away fast. getting away fast is probably the safest option incase you’re just schizophrenic and they’re not robots at all.

this is ridiculous

killer bots 2

 

it’s a good idea for a game though. rovio refused to comment, and we couldn’t think of anyone else to ask. “angry muslims” anyone?

did jesus kill lemmy?

so it turns out lemmy did a milk advert before he died. well as most vegans know, jesus was a vegan, and whispers are rife that he may have killed lemmy because of his decision to do the advert.

lemmys balls suck no more

we’ve received a few emails about it.

“if lemmy hadn’t done that milk advert maybe jesus would have saved the useless cunt?” – bob@****.com

“its funny, ha ha” – rik@****.com

 

it wouldn’t be the first time jesus has stepped in to fight the vegan cause. naturally being a modest dude he doesn’t like to brag about it.