Whether you’re an English teacher in Vietnam, or a quirky Scottish musician who left England, the last thing you want at the end of a hard day’s work is a pounding headache.
“Our Brains are like old Television sets” said a man from RadioRentals. “The problem is, there’s no closing down time anymore, no national anthem, no disappearing white dot, it just goes on and on and on until eventually we either explode or melt”
Jimmy McGee (has a bad headache today)
You couldn’t make it up, but Richard Branson’s recent revelations about a near death bicycle crash have been proved to be FAKE after CCTV footage revealed that he got off his bike, threw it off the cliff and then covered his face with jam.
“I was so upset” said a local woman who had sold the jam to him earlier believing he was going to use it in a sandwich. “I import Jeremy Corbyn’s homemade jam and was delighted that Richard seemed to be putting this weeks bitching behind him, but then I found out that he was just using it to get fake sympathy. It makes me sick, I’m never gonna buy his baked beans ever again.”
Others suggested Richard threw his bike off the cliff because of a squeaky crank. “Not a lot of people know this” said local cyclist Jim, “but when you’re rich you simply don’t put up with things like squeaky cranks or slow punctures, it’s not uncommon for us just to throw the bike of a cliff and then claim it’s been destroyed on our insurance policies if that kind of shit happens.”
The CCTV footage has not been released because that would be illegal, however our reporters have seen it and are 23% convinced it’s not CGI.
Branston Beans were unavailable for comment, but they still make you fart.
most people think curry is indian, but according to new research it’s actually irish. “the irish invented curry round about 5000BC” claims Paddy, a fat hairy ginger cunt who stinks of fags, piss and special brew.
“why would he make it up?” his wife kept asking herself, but looking at us whilst she asked it. We tried to take a picture of the curry but it didn’t come out very well. We don&
Cheers, god bless.
a recent survey of people showed that pretty much nobody gives a shit anymore.
these are just a few answers. obviously none of them even happened because in reality nobody answered any questions at all. “nobody can even be arsed answering questions anymore” said one guy involved, who then later claimed he never even asked anyone any questions in the first place.
(time is a non-event)
“it’s a total non-event” added his mum, who died 7 years ago waiting for her breakfast in bed.
nobody else was available for comment, probably because nobody cares anymore.
everyday we seem to wake up to the death of another celebrity. it’s no surprize given that there are so many of the useless parasites these days.
under the radar
sadly there are some real celebrities who have died recently and hardly anyone blinked an eye. this is our tribute to those forgotten heroes.
Doris Days
doris days fell off a horse whilst on holiday in mexico in september 2015. she died 2 days later in a mexican hospital. unfortunately she had no documents on her at the time and they could not establish who she was. her death was never reported to the media.
Princess Margaret
princess margaret is known around the world for her crazy partying lifestyle, but when she died on the same day as the queen mother her passing was completely overlooked by the media. she will always be remembered as the kind alcoholic who looked like a horse.
neil young
neil young from the young ones died from a marajuana overdose whilst on honeymoon with his third wife in portugal last week. fans staged a protest in the town complaining that decrimilisaion is bad but the government have said nothing is going to change. his classic album crazyhorses is back in the p2p charts.
Michael Parkinson
parky, barky, narky or larky, call him what you will but michael parkinson was undoubtably one of the best television doctors ever. not only did he discover parkinsons disease, his popular primetime show invited other parkinson sufferers to come on and talk about themselves. parky died last week on a park bench. he had been living there for weeks.
Justin Darkness
racing car driver justin darkness was killed last night when his hair got caught in the back wheel of his car ripping his head off and flinging it into a bunch of screaming teenage girls. his family have asked for privacy.
up to one hundred thousand local brighton residents are set to take part in one the biggest demonstrations the city has ever seen following the start of work on an offshore windfarm.
“it’s bringing together the community like nothing i’ve ever seen before” said a local introvert who spoke through his letter box.
people are so worried that there is talk about a truce between local BNP and ANTIFA groups.
“some of us are really against it, but we’re not strong swimmers and would never make it out there” said ‘stiff steve’ who lives in a squat.
without boats
sussex police are considering asking the royal navy to bring the hms ark royal back to service to protect the wind farm. a senior detective who wishes to be anonymous told us:
“people will try and destroy this eye sore, and understandably so, but if you put a big aircraft carrier in the way so that the locals can’t see the wind farm, I reckon they’ll forget all about it. there’s a lot of drugs in this town and people’s memories are terrible. we could even pay some teaching assistants a fiver to paint it sea colour.”
caroline lucas was unavailable for comment, which is very unlike her, but kemptown’s gay tory mp simon kirby has been against it since the start. many locals believe the i360 is actually another giant wind turbine, but the council haven’t said anything about it yet. what do you think? we’d love to know.
here’s the classic dk song “riot” to get you in the mood.
“windfarms don’t work” – nuclear scientist
“windfarms reverse weather and can cause storms in strange places” – anon
” just say no” – zamo
nothing to say.
ask brian may.
this is not irony for the sake of irony. you know the drill.
“All too often my news feed gets stupid petitions thrown up, the latest asking god to send back David Bowie. Some people may think this is light hearted, but in reality, not only are they are a waste of everyone’s time, they belittle the desperate causes that really do need attention and support as well as the the platforms upon which they reside. Can you please stop stupid petitions being permitted? ” – Tina Fleabag
– click here to help stop stupid petitions –
“there is mass procrastination going on in the west, and it could have some serious heavy consequences.” – duplex5000(rapper)
so the word is out. if you’ve missed the 27 club but you still wanna go out in style the number they’re all talking about now is 69. dave and now alan being it’s latest members, if our researcher could be arsed we’re sure there’s a lot more.
so, shit ego’s out there older than 27, you can still be a legend.
here’s some bryan adams to cheer you all up. back in the summer of 69. (possibly one of mankind’s best years)
god bless.
