I’m so happy, I wish you could be me.

lifeisamazing

whilst many people at this time of the year are reflecting upon a lifetime of mistakes, lets try not to forget those hard working self deserving friends who’s lives are just so amazing it almost floods your lungs with tears of joy.

JEALOUSY GETS YOU NOWHERE

unlike the usual miserable social network dribble we have to sift through, these people brighten up our days to no end letting us all know how amazing their partners, jobs, family, pets etc are.

happylife

“so how can i be this happy” i hear you ask. well what are you asking us for? why not just ask your friends yourself. happy successful people who like to share their amazing happy lives on social networks just love imparting advice to those less fortunate. if you are too shy to ask, then why not just post this picture and let them come to you.

HELP

good luck, and remember life is what it is, not what you say it is.

2001 v 1984

why do people think men age better than women? how come arnold and sly still look as if they are in their mid 20’s whilst even taylor swift is starting to sag already?

term

apparently the latest terminator film has had sarah conner slated for not looking like she did in the last one. what is wrong with you people?

did you know that blind couples are the happiest couples? neither did i, and i haven’t researched it either but they could well be.

 

anyway, big up sarah conner, don’t let the termi

nators drag you down.

the sausage roll sandwich

WARNING: NOT NASTY STUFF AT ALL

when people ask me about white bread the first thing that comes to mind is a sausage roll sandwich, followed quickly by two sausage rolls in a buttered muffin and then a bap and pasty with an onion ring on top.

this is a picture of a sausage roll sandwich.

sausageroll

ingredients

sausage roll (due to some of our more sensitive readers we chose a cruelty free linda mccartney one)

heel of white bread (end

bit)

loads of vitalite (margarine, see above about the sensitive people)

red sauce (tomato ketchup)

 

gluten free recipe not available

never* (ever say ever)

NEVEREVER

people often use the term “never say never”. sometimes they think they are clever by saying it, but rarely do they ever actually consider the notion beyond the lip and breath movements required to say it.

“at the end of the day, never say never” said the idiot

NEWLOGO

“yes”, now there’s a phrase I can really identify with. one word. one syllable. one direction.

 

 

vagina lipstick

“clean that lipstick off your face you slut” said john to his wife whilst swiping through tinder. little did he know that his wife was completely unaware of what was going on.

how was she to know that scientists had discovered that by flipping a lip image 90 degrees in photoshop it would indeed resemble a vagina?

how was she was to know that by colouring them red it replicated the swollen labia of a sexually excited lady?

lippress1

she spoke to her therapist about it, explaining that having thought about it, her lips looked like a vagina flipped 90 degrees whether she coloured them red or not.

“what about your cleavage?” he asked

clavage2

“well that certainly doesn’t look like my vagina…” she replied whilst playing with her bow, “…and i don’t paint them red either”

“yes I am very aware of that, but do you know that by showing cleavage you are replicating a ripe bottom?” replied her therapist, before quickly turning her around and showing her how her bottom compared.

clavage1

“goodness me” exclaimed the woman feeling utterly ashamed of herself. Within three days she became a devout muslim and never showed her tits or painted her lips ever again.

eye

except when she visited her therapist.

When me and Lemmy played snooker

“what do you play, snooker or pool?”

lemmy1

“The first time I met Lemmy was way before hashtags, he was way more cool then..” – Jimmy Hendrix

“The first time I met Lemmy I couldn’t stop looking at his mole.” – Adrian Mole (aged 20)

SOUR GRAPES

sourgrapes

I actually did meet Lemmy, it was back in the 80’s. What happened is between me and him. I never even told my mum, or any of my mates.

 

SMOKING AND DRINKING TOO MUCH IS NOT COOL

Sadly we can’t afford to prove this. Have a nice evening.

 

 

 

 

santa is dead

another year, same old story. santa is dead. christmas is over

SANTAISDEAD

this graph helps show what is going on from one particular perspective.

hollyivy

there is nothing to suggest holly decreases simply because ivy increases. it is easy to confuse a graph like this during the festive season.

KEEP WORKING ON YOURSELF

SELFIMAGE

remember it is important to focus on clarity and avoid visual dissonance as much as possible. trying to focus on what is clearly not important will cause cerebral nausea and attempts to grasp this notion and/or challenge it are early warning signs of emotional bulimia.

 

happy christmas

 

90% vegan

This is great news for cat lovers

90

many vegan(ish) people know just how difficult it can be at the supermarket freezer trying to find something decent.  well finally a leading supermarket has taken notice and is introducing a 90% vegan stamp on food that is vegan(ish)

this will open up a huge new market to us, everybody wants to do their bit, but we can’t all be perfect and the 90% vegan brand reflects that.

the vegan society haven’t said anything yet, and peta probably don’t like the logo, but at least we’re trying.

others were more positive.

“I’m so happy” –  cat lover

“yes” – vegan cat lover

three stage revision

do not start running until you are ready. take the time to consider the path ahead of you. is this really what you want?

yes800

ok, you are now able run as fast as you can. literally or metaphorically.

 

OK899

at this stage it is common to feel rejected or cheated, but try to remember you have lost nothing.

no800

Yes

 

“I don’t understand the middle part” – Jim

“Same” – Sam