You couldn’t make it up, but Richard Branson’s recent revelations about a near death bicycle crash have been proved to be FAKE after CCTV footage revealed that he got off his bike, threw it off the cliff and then covered his face with jam.
“I was so upset” said a local woman who had sold the jam to him earlier believing he was going to use it in a sandwich. “I import Jeremy Corbyn’s homemade jam and was delighted that Richard seemed to be putting this weeks bitching behind him, but then I found out that he was just using it to get fake sympathy. It makes me sick, I’m never gonna buy his baked beans ever again.”
Others suggested Richard threw his bike off the cliff because of a squeaky crank. “Not a lot of people know this” said local cyclist Jim, “but when you’re rich you simply don’t put up with things like squeaky cranks or slow punctures, it’s not uncommon for us just to throw the bike of a cliff and then claim it’s been destroyed on our insurance policies if that kind of shit happens.”
The CCTV footage has not been released because that would be illegal, however our reporters have seen it and are 23% convinced it’s not CGI.
Branston Beans were unavailable for comment, but they still make you fart.
The Great Brexit Gold Rush has started. For the first time since the last time Ian Rush scored for Liverpool every cunt and their mum are scrambling to grab political and financial advantages.
Boris and Cunts.com aside, the Scottish Nationalists are hiding their stock pile of haggis and Irn bru, the Irish Nationalists are out with their metal detectors looking for any AK47’s that may have accidentally missed decommisioning, and the Isle of Man have started to bulk buy cats with tails so they can swing them around like football rattles at the next TT.
The NHS which is obviously totally safe now hasn’t done a thing. We spoke to several Doctors this morning and they told us we needed to call back on Monday before 8.30am or fuck off. Two of them were indian, so they didn’t seem too bothered about the whole Brexit thing.
A bunch of blokes in Swindon were photographed “actually digging for gold” after the Sun newspaper told them they would find some there. Some kids where throwing stones at them and calling them cunts, and an old lady was heard saying “my shares have crashed, how am I gonna pay for my lavish funeral”
A bunch of african dogs were seen chasing a three legged cat across an overgrown grassy car park in Manchester, why they weren’t on leads we couldn’t figure out. What the fuck is wrong with people.
“Ever since we voted out everyone has totally lost it” claimed a 3 year old child who has clearly got more sense than half the country. I can’t even afford nappies anymore because my parents have been on the piss with my child benefit since Friday celebrating.
Jeremy Kyle was seen fucking a dead chicken out the back of KFC, but later denied it and started pointing his shitty little finger at everyone else.
“At least we still have our flag” said some kid from the Shankill Road in Belfast. No surrender. Fuck the Pope, the stupid european cunt. We will keep on marching and so should you.