You couldn’t make it up, but Richard Branson’s recent revelations about a near death bicycle crash have been proved to be FAKE after CCTV footage revealed that he got off his bike, threw it off the cliff and then covered his face with jam.
“I was so upset” said a local woman who had sold the jam to him earlier believing he was going to use it in a sandwich. “I import Jeremy Corbyn’s homemade jam and was delighted that Richard seemed to be putting this weeks bitching behind him, but then I found out that he was just using it to get fake sympathy. It makes me sick, I’m never gonna buy his baked beans ever again.”
Others suggested Richard threw his bike off the cliff because of a squeaky crank. “Not a lot of people know this” said local cyclist Jim, “but when you’re rich you simply don’t put up with things like squeaky cranks or slow punctures, it’s not uncommon for us just to throw the bike of a cliff and then claim it’s been destroyed on our insurance policies if that kind of shit happens.”
The CCTV footage has not been released because that would be illegal, however our reporters have seen it and are 23% convinced it’s not CGI.
Branston Beans were unavailable for comment, but they still make you fart.
The Great Brexit Gold Rush has started. For the first time since the last time Ian Rush scored for Liverpool every cunt and their mum are scrambling to grab political and financial advantages.
Boris and Cunts.com aside, the Scottish Nationalists are hiding their stock pile of haggis and Irn bru, the Irish Nationalists are out with their metal detectors looking for any AK47’s that may have accidentally missed decommisioning, and the Isle of Man have started to bulk buy cats with tails so they can swing them around like football rattles at the next TT.
The NHS which is obviously totally safe now hasn’t done a thing. We spoke to several Doctors this morning and they told us we needed to call back on Monday before 8.30am or fuck off. Two of them were indian, so they didn’t seem too bothered about the whole Brexit thing.
A bunch of blokes in Swindon were photographed “actually digging for gold” after the Sun newspaper told them they would find some there. Some kids where throwing stones at them and calling them cunts, and an old lady was heard saying “my shares have crashed, how am I gonna pay for my lavish funeral”
A bunch of african dogs were seen chasing a three legged cat across an overgrown grassy car park in Manchester, why they weren’t on leads we couldn’t figure out. What the fuck is wrong with people.
“Ever since we voted out everyone has totally lost it” claimed a 3 year old child who has clearly got more sense than half the country. I can’t even afford nappies anymore because my parents have been on the piss with my child benefit since Friday celebrating.
Jeremy Kyle was seen fucking a dead chicken out the back of KFC, but later denied it and started pointing his shitty little finger at everyone else.
“At least we still have our flag” said some kid from the Shankill Road in Belfast. No surrender. Fuck the Pope, the stupid european cunt. We will keep on marching and so should you.
Where ever you go, whether it’s the pub, the shop, the pub… where ever…. all you can hear people talking about is brexit. What the fuck is brexit? We sent our reporter into a white room to find out.
Bill Costly who owns a service station franchise told us he was voting brexit because he was a stupid cunt. When we asked him if he was joking he laughed and then pushed us away before suddenly turning angry and telling us both to fuck off whilst squeezing a big block of cheese.
Coko caught her husband fucking the dog. “He’s really anti-brexit so i thought how better to get back at the bastard than vote brexit”
We didn’t really want to talk to Jim in the white room but he kept coming over to us asking if we needed any soundbites. Every time we said no, but every time the relentless prick gave us one anyway.
Some people say if we leave europe china will nuke us and sell us loads of post nuke plastics to help stick our faces and bodies back together. Well they won’t, and anyone who believes that is a fucking dickhead. GMO plastic is real and we need to stop it now. Vote brexit or else you will all die.
The cost of a McDonalds happy meal could soar to as much as £50 in the UK if we decide to stay in Europe according to some cunt that works with statistics.
We Bobby Baldy Bollocks from Grimsby who uses Happy Meals as part of his training program said “It’s fucking ridiculous, I’m only 9 so I can’t vote, yet it will be my Happy Meal that will be affected”
His mother was in the toilets and unavailable for comment.
Burger King will not be affected as they don’t have any shops in Europe.
A new game called Buggrr which has appearing in App stores over the last week has been found to be infected with a virus that can dectect, take and share pictures of your genitals without you knowing.
Alex Holden, founder and chief information security officer of Hold Security has refused to comment after rumours spread about the russians being involved.
Thousands of people have smashed up their phones thinking it will stop the pictures of their genitals being put online, however cyber security expert Dave Pong told us “Please do not destroy your phone, it won’t change a thing”. The virus
“I was searching the internet for some floor cleaner and then suddenly a picture of me doing a shit popped up” said Bob from Brighton who didn’t want to be mentioned. Sorry bob. Buggrr.
most people think curry is indian, but according to new research it’s actually irish. “the irish invented curry round about 5000BC” claims Paddy, a fat hairy ginger cunt who stinks of fags, piss and special brew.
“why would he make it up?” his wife kept asking herself, but looking at us whilst she asked it. We tried to take a picture of the curry but it didn’t come out very well. We don’t reckon the bird was his wife.
Cheers, god bless.