Top flight footballers offer to pay Apples Tax Bill

A consortium of top flight footballers have gathered in secret at a top hotel in Dublin to discuss plans for paying apples huge EU tax bill. It is believed that many of them are concerned their iPhones will stop working if the Irish government decides not to collect the Tax.

rooney

Wayne Rooney who was among the players has offered 99% of his wages for the next 5 minutes, which works out at roughly 5% of the interest added in the last 10 minutes. Asked why he wouldn’t go the full 10 minutes Wayne took an extra 5 minutes before saying that it would actually be 15 minutes and he couldn’t afford that.

How he managed to add 5 twice made many reporters present doubt that he was being serious and rumours are circulating that many of the footballers are there merely to cash in on Irelands annual prostitute influx.

Every September the gulf stream brings in hundreds of south american whores who are thrown into the sea by their pimps at the start of the summer. Most of them use windows phones and have no interest in apples tax affairs.

apple bloke

“This story is clearly going nowhere” said a young reporter who was writing his first story. He didn’t even spell check before clicking publish. “That’s the kinda shit we’re up against these days” said Wayne whilst trying to switch off his calculator.

Steve Jobs was unavailable for comment.

 

standard reply to facebook status update (0001)

Your facebook status was really fucking interesting, but not as interesting as these plastic arms that were sold at an illegal arms fair in china last week.

arms trade

Next time you’re thinking about posting something on facebook, use this image as your benchmark as to whether or not it’s really fucking worth it.

Woman gets really stressed about old news.

A woman got really stressed out today after reading a 15 year old article about a kid getting hit on the head with a floppy disk. The woman (who has since deleted her account and left her husband for not sympathising) threatened to track down the mother of the child and give her “a good fucking kicking”.

floppy disk

It’s not a rare phenomena either, with statistics showing that more and more woman are growing more and more frustrated and angry with more and more “out of date” stories that are clearly totally fucking irrelevant.

Experts believe it may be a side effect of dating sites, where men keep using old photos to entice younger women who use hair dye and cosmetic surgery to entice younger men. This in turn creates a virtual time warp spiral illusion that sucks in dead pets, demolished houses and buried artifacts that whilst no longer relevant, continue to make woman angry.

Gays do not seem to be effected, unles

s they are transgender, or have just recently become gay.

Keith Vaz said his wife was furious that he hadn’t told her this years ago.

Scientists discover gene that stops women’s shit from stinking

Scientists from the University of Southwick have isolated the gene that stops womens shit from stinking as much as mens. Whilst studying the effect of liposuction and gastric bands on the stomach lining, they discovered a new bacteria that doesn’t exist in the stomach of men due to them being lazy beer drinking, pie munching arseholes.

happy bacteria

“It’s unbelievable”, said Dr Peter Pan who resizes tits and labia for breakfast. “We all know that women’s shit doesn’t stink, but we’ve never understood why, now we’ve finally answered the question.”

Sadly tests on men who had also had liposuction and gastric bands showed no evidence of the friendly odour eating bacteria whatsoever. “We’ve had a few metrosexual blokes who don’t eat pies or drink beer give us some bags of shit for testing, but everyone of them fucking stank.” said Peter whilst sitting on a window ledge looking like a girl.

“I guess guys are just assholes” he joked, before falling 20 floors to his death.

 

Theresa May to change her name to Theresa Will

Theresa May is about to change her name to Theresa Will following revelations that europeans are convinced that she may not actually do anything. “All we keep hearing is Theresa May this, and Theresa May that” said one senior diplomat who seemed really annoyed at her reluctance to commit.  “It’s not good enough, there is no time for indecision anymore and if she doesn’t make up her mind soon then she can fuck off and start a band with that other twat Bryan May.”

Theresa May

It’s not the first time a female prime minister has had a counter productive name however, Margaret Thatcher was called all sorts of things before history settled with Margaret.

“She needs to do a Gary Glitter and just get on with it” said a cleaner for a professional baby naming company in London.  “Something strong and assertive, yet humble and honest would be best, Bitchcunt Pissface would be nice, though it’s a bit difficult to spell” she added whilst scrubbing skids of the side of the toilet bowl for £7 per hour.

Theresa May not be available for comment said No 10.

Richard Branson caught by CCTV in FAKE bike crash.

You couldn’t make it up, but Richard Branson’s recent revelations about a near death bicycle crash have been proved to be FAKE after CCTV footage revealed that he got off his bike, threw it off the cliff and then covered his face with jam.

Branson

“I was so upset” said a local woman who had sold the jam to him earlier believing he was going to use it in a sandwich.  “I import Jeremy Corbyn’s homemade jam and was delighted that Richard seemed to be putting this weeks bitching behind him, but then I found out that he was just using it to get fake sympathy. It makes me sick, I’m never gonna buy his baked beans ever again.”

beans

Others suggested Richard threw his bike off the cliff because of a squeaky crank. “Not a lot of people know this” said local cyclist Jim, “but when you’re rich you simply don’t put up with things like squeaky cranks or slow punctures, it’s not uncommon for us just to throw the bike of a cliff and then claim it’s been destroyed on our insurance policies if that kind of shit happens.”

The CCTV footage has not been released because that would be illegal, however our reporters have seen it and are 23% convinced it’s not CGI.

Branston Beans were unavailable for comment, but they still make you fart.

The Great Brexit Gold Rush

The Great Brexit Gold Rush has started. For the first time since the last time Ian Rush scored for Liverpool every cunt and their mum are scrambling to grab political and financial advantages.

ian rush

Boris and Cunts.com aside, the Scottish Nationalists are hiding their stock pile of haggis and Irn bru, the Irish Nationalists are out with their metal detectors looking for any AK47’s that may have accidentally missed decommisioning, and the Isle of Man have started to bulk buy cats with tails so they can swing them around like football rattles at the next TT.

gold-rush

The NHS which is obviously totally safe now hasn’t done a thing. We spoke to several Doctors this morning and they told us we needed to call back on Monday before 8.30am or fuck off. Two of them were indian, so they didn’t seem too bothered about the whole Brexit thing.

A bunch of blokes in Swindon were photographed “actually digging for gold” after the Sun newspaper told them they would find some there. Some kids where throwing stones at them and calling them cunts, and an old lady was heard saying “my shares have crashed, how am I gonna pay for my lavish funeral”

A bunch of african dogs were seen chasing a three legged cat across an overgrown grassy car park in Manchester, why they weren’t on leads we couldn’t figure out. What the fuck is wrong with people.

dog chasing cat

“Ever since we voted out everyone has totally lost it” claimed a 3 year old child who has clearly got more sense than half the country. I can’t even afford nappies anymore because my parents have been on the piss with my child benefit since Friday celebrating.

Jeremy Kyle was seen fucking a dead chicken out the back of KFC, but later denied it and started pointing his shitty little finger at everyone else.

“At least we still have our flag” said some kid from the Shankill Road in Belfast. No surrender. Fuck the Pope, the stupid european cunt. We will keep on marching and so should you.

 

 

 

Brexit leads by 132% compared to next week.

Where ever you go, whether it’s the pub, the shop, the pub… where ever…. all you can hear people talking about is brexit. What the fuck is brexit? We sent our reporter into a white room to find out.

bill fat bloke

Bill Costly who owns a service station franchise told us he was voting brexit because he was a stupid cunt. When we asked him if he was joking he laughed and then pushed us away before suddenly turning angry and telling us both to fuck off whilst squeezing a big block of cheese.

coko

Coko caught her husband fucking the dog. “He’s really anti-brexit so i thought how better to get back at the bastard than vote brexit”jim

We didn’t really want to talk to Jim in the white room but he kept coming over to us asking if we needed any soundbites. Every time we said no, but every time the relentless prick gave us one anyway.

ernie

Some people say if we leave europe china will nuke us and sell us loads of post nuke plastics to help stick our faces and bodies back together. Well they won’t, and anyone who believes that is a fucking dickhead. GMO plastic is real and we need to stop it now. Vote brexit or else you will all die.

Happy Meal will cost £50 if we STAY IN EUROPE

The cost of a McDonalds happy meal could soar to as much as £50 in the UK if we decide to stay in Europe according to some cunt that works with statistics.

little-fat-kid

We Bobby Baldy Bollocks from Grimsby who uses Happy Meals as part of his training program said “It’s fucking ridiculous, I’m only 9 so I can’t vote, yet it will be my Happy Meal that will be affected”

His mother was in the toilets and unavailable for comment.

Burger King will not be affected as they don’t have any shops in Europe.