Woman gets really stressed about old news.

A woman got really stressed out today after reading a 15 year old article about a kid getting hit on the head with a floppy disk. The woman (who has since deleted her account and left her husband for not sympathising) threatened to track down the mother of the child and give her “a good fucking kicking”.

floppy disk

It’s not a rare phenomena either, with statistics showing that more and more woman are growing more and more frustrated and angry with more and more “out of date” stories that are clearly totally fucking irrelevant.

Experts believe it may be a side effect of dating sites, where men keep using old photos to entice younger women who use hair dye and cosmetic surgery to entice younger men. This in turn creates a virtual time warp spiral illusion that sucks in dead pets, demolished houses and buried artifacts that whilst no longer relevant, continue to make woman angry.

Gays do not seem to be effected, unless they are transgender, or have just recently become gay.

Keith Vaz said his wife was furious that he hadn’t told her this years ago.

Scientists discover gene that stops women’s shit from stinking

Scientists from the University of Southwick have isolated the gene that stops womens shit from stinking as much as mens. Whilst studying the effect of liposuction and gastric bands on the stomach lining, they discovered a new bacteria that doesn’t exist in the stomach of men due to them being lazy beer drinking, pie munching arseholes.

happy bacteria

“It’s unbelievable”, said Dr Peter Pan who resizes tits and labia for breakfast. “We all know that women’s shit doesn’t stink, but we’ve never understood why, now w

e’ve finally answered the question.”

Sadly tests on men who had also had liposuction and gastric bands showed no evidence of the friendly odour eating bacteria whatsoever. “We’ve had a few metrosexual blokes who don’t eat pies or drink beer give us some bags of shit for testing, but everyone of them fucking stank.” said Peter whilst sitting on a window ledge looking like a girl.

“I guess guys are just assholes” he joked, before falling 20 floors to his death.

 

Theresa May to change her name to Theresa Will

Theresa May is about to change her name to Theresa Will following revelations that europeans are convinced that she may not actually do anything. “All we keep hearing is Theresa May this, and Theresa May that” said one senior diplomat who seemed really annoyed at her reluctance to commit.  “It’s not good enough, there is no time for indecision anymore and if she doesn’t make up her mind soon then she can fuck off and start a band with that other twat Bryan May.”

Theresa May

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It’s not the first time a female prime minister has had a counter productive name however, Margaret Thatcher was called all sorts of things before history settled with Margaret.

“She needs to do a Gary Glitter and just get on with it” said a cleaner for a professional baby naming company in London.  “Something strong and assertive, yet humble and honest would be best, Bitchcunt Pissface would be nice, though it’s a bit difficult to spell” she added whilst scrubbing skids of the side of the toilet bowl for £7 per hour.

Theresa May not be available for comment said No 10.