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BREAKING: Donald Trump critically ill after assassination attempt

Republican front runner Donald Trump has escaped an assassination attempt as Super Tuesday violence spirals out of control. “His bodyguards just jumped out of the way as soon as the shots started” claimed a local Trump supporter who was among the huge crowd attending the rally.

Latest reports claim Trump has received at least two bullet wounds to the chest area and is in a critical condition. The area has been sealed off and voting cancelled until at the earliest next week.

NBC reporter James Downing who has been following the trump campaign claims that at least 5 shots were fired. “We heard a bang and then everyone except Donald dived for cover, he must have thought it was a prank. After the shots stopped I looked up and he was lying on the floor shaking.”

Trump has a lot of enemies, and there has been massive security at all of his public appearances. His security guards have been lambasted online for their treatment of anti-Trump protesters who infiltrate events, however not even avid Trump haters would have expected them to jump aside when he really needed them most.

We will keep this page updated as we get more news.

caitlyn jenners vagina not found on pavement in america.

last week whilst trawling over the drivel that everyone posts on facebook, one of our vegan writers seen a gross picture of a pulled pork roll and was deeply affected by it. now some people may well think, yum, a pulled pork roll, but not this writer, his tiny little mind thought it looked like an abomination of flesh and gore, which is also how he sometimes imagines caitlyn jenners vagina.

so, in a moment of mania, the writer fired up photoshop, made this and sent it to our editor in chief.

ionalbulimia.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/inspired-300x300.jpg 300w" sizes="(max-width: 550px) 100vw, 550px" />

we thought it was funny so we published it on our facebook page. a lot of others found it funny too, a few people told us it was in terrible taste (but still funny) , but generally there was not much of a fuss.

little did we know however, that the girl who had actually ate cait’s vagina (the pulled pork sandwich) was in a fit of fuming rage and had started sending us and our writers shocking abusive messages.

her grammar was a little difficult to disseminate, but we kind of got the idea and thought best ignore her rather than hurl abuse back at the fanny eating fucktwat.

her friend paul, who you may know from celebrity juice then got in touch. he was much more reasonable, but by this time the whole thing had taken on a life of it’s own so we photoshopped the vagina onto one of his pictures (can you spot it?)

yes we know, juvenile toilet humour of the lowest grade pork. anyway, as a result of “someone complaining” facebook decided to unpublish the page, and because of that we’ve had to go to the hassle of republishing the whole story here.

we hope you enjoy it, especially you lisa.

why should you always eat your salad?

we know that most people can’t be bothered to read too much anymore, so we’re going to try and get this through to you as easily as possible.

what does this mean to the average pizza eater? well it’s simple, provided you are terri

ble at maths and believe any old shit you can eat as much of it as you like. so long as you EAT YOUR SALAD

lettuce generates negative fat fields when eat before, during or after pizza. these negative fat fields are similar to a lot of beauty products in that they sound good and give the impression they do pretty rad stuff. placebos have been proven to burn fat faster than exercise in concentration camps.

you’ve been warned.

5 celebrities you didn’t even knew were dead

everyday we seem to wake up to the death of another celebrity. it’s no surprize given that there are so many of the useless parasites these days.

under the radar

sadly there are some real celebrities who have died recently and hardly anyone blinked an eye. this is our tribute to those forgotten heroes.

Doris Days

doris days fell off a horse whilst on holiday in mexico in september 2015. she died 2 days later in a mexican hospital. unfortunately she had no documents on her at the time and they could not establish who she was. her death was never reported to the media.

Princess Margaret

princess margaret is known around the world for her crazy partying lifestyle, but when she died on the same day as the queen mother her passing was completely overlooked by the media. she will always be remembered as the kind alcoholic who looked like a horse.

neil young

neil young from the young ones died from a marajuana overdose whilst on honeymoon with his third wife in portugal last week. fans staged a protest in the town complaining that decrimilisaion is bad but the government have said nothing is going to change. his classic album crazyhorses is back in the p2p charts.

Michael Parkinson

parky, barky, narky or larky, call him what you will but michael parkinson was undoubtably one of the best television doctors ever. not only did he discover parkinsons disease, his popular primetime show invited other parkinson sufferers to come on and talk about themselves. parky died last week on a park bench. he had been living there for weeks.

Justin Darkness

racing car driver justin darkness was killed last night when his hair got caught in the back wheel of his car ripping his head off and flinging it into a bunch of screaming teenage girls. his family have asked for privacy.

fuck off. no you fuck off.

once upon a time someone was totally out of order. nobody could agree on who was out of order, so they just kept telling each other to fuck off. eventually, having had enough, one of them fucked off.

don’t be sick whatever you do. and if your baby is sick you’re fucked.

thousands to protest brighton windfarm

up to one hundred thousand local brighton residents are set to take part in one the biggest demonstrations the city has ever seen following the start of work on an offshore windfarm.

“it’s bringing together the community like nothing i’ve ever seen before” said a local introvert who spoke through his letter box.

people are so worried that there is talk about a truce between local BNP and ANTIFA groups.

“some of us are really against it, but we’re not strong swimmers and would never make it out there” said ‘stiff steve’ who lives in a squat.

without boats

sussex police are considering asking the royal navy to bring the hms ark royal back to service to protect the wind farm. a senior detective who wishes to be anonymous told us:

“people will try and destroy this eye sore, and understandably so, but if you put a big aircraft carrier in the way so that the locals can’t see the wind farm, I reckon they’ll forget all about it. there’s a lot of drugs in this town and people’s memories are terrible. we could even pay some teaching assistants a fiver to paint it sea colour.”

caroline lucas was unavailable for comment, which is very unlike her, but kemptown’s gay tory mp simon kirby has been against it since the start. many locals believe the i360 is actually another giant wind turbine, but the council haven’t said anything about it yet. what do you think? we’d love to know.

here’s the classic dk song “riot” to get you in the mood.

“windfarms don’t work” – nuclear scientist

“windfarms reverse weather and can cause storms in strange places” – anon

” just say no” – zamo

sunday math club

here are todays puzzles. good luck.

ok and now the hard one.

more next sunday.

jackson may brown bush

nothing to say.

ask brian may.

the million dollar zano kickstarter scam

here is the story

jan 2015 and kickstarter was recommending the zano drone.

jan 2016 and everyone lost their money.

vegans flock to protect GBK staff

following the recent climbdown from GBK regarding their recent marketing campaign, vegans and vegetarians all over the world are flocking back to the place like there’s no fucking tomorrow.

action group v.a.g.i.n.a which represents some dude called larry had started an online campaign of #trollbooking at GBK. upon hearing of it loads of the vegans went mental.

“members of the v.a.g.i.n.a team have been treated with some of the most hateful abuse we have ever experienced” claimed larry, the only member of v.a.g.i.n.a.

it’s not unusual for vegans to fight among themselves. 3 vegans ended up with bruised elbows once following an argument about who should take it. but it’s not like that anymore says larry. “they’re after blood now”

a vegan tough man (#vegantoughguy) from essex got stuck in too. we won’t publish his comments but here’s a picture. he looks a bit like wayne rooney.

anyway, it’s all sorted now. the vegans were so very concerned about the staff getting confused that a lovely vegan called aaron who is not a “dick” decided to call and cancel larry’s false order.

health, love, peace and happiness is restored and there’s plenty of room at GBK brighton . larry has also been banned from the group. feel free to play with them here. here is an episode of charlie the unicorn to cheer you up.